We’ve all been there once or a few times in our lives and I cannot count the number of times I have heard this story.
We meet a guy, he does the work to pursue you, and no matter how hard you push back he still chases you in a way that really makes you notice him for all the right reasons. You start talking and eventually have your first date. Things go really well and you think to yourself “I think I found something great”. A few more dates go by and you start to fall for him a little more each time. Things are going so well you assume that this is a sure thing and you are both bound to end up in that “we are together” zone. That one night or day comes along and you sleep together and as it turns out he knows his stuff and enjoyed himself too. At the time you’re so sure that this is the guy you want to be with and are elated on so many levels. Then the day after Mr charming disappears and starts becoming distant and the opposite of what you got used to over the last few weeks. You try to tell yourself it’s this or that! Coming up with one possible reason after another.
You may see each other again but this time it seems you had to put in the effort to see him this time around. You figure “well I’ll sleep with him again and remind him of what he may be missing.” So you guys get into it again and you both feel that connection once more. There’s holding, kissing and cuddles. This leads you to thinking he was simply stressed out before and things from herein will be fine. You decide since you have him in your arms you may as well ask him where you are both at in this thing. He tells you “You are amazing babe but I am not ready for a relationship”. Your heart sinks and you don’t know what to think or feel. He tells you he had been badly hurt before and doesn’t want to get into anything too deep or serious or take on any titles right now. The type of woman who ends up in this situation is usually the type in need of love and despite knowing full well deep down that:
1) He is not right for her
2) She is going to get hurt
She is likely going to tell him “It’s cool babe, I really enjoy being with you so let’s just take it easy and see what happens”
Despite her wanting more she gives him permission to treat her as nothing more than simple and fun, all because she has this yearning need within herself to be loved and valued by a man.
Most women close to her will tell her she is being played and she needs to ditch him etc.
However, she won’t listen and will be so upset but will continue to play herself and carry on as if everything is going perfectly fine.
She will do her best to play it cool and not do things like text first or leave it a while to reply etc. so she can regain some power back but it seems no matter what she does he is not and will not be bothered. Full Stop.
Lately it seems if she doesn’t say hi first he will get on with his day and not think to check on her as much as he used to. She starts the process of a heart break and the stages of loss while still connected to him. Her need to be with a guy who is unavailable overshadows common sense. Because she still has hope, because she tells her self that surely he wouldn’t have said all those nice things or bought me that present etc; if he wasn’t really interested so there must be an elaborate reason, he must be scared. And that is most likely the case, he is petrified of getting hurt again and is healing himself. Or he is just a player full stop!! It doesn’t matter what the reasons are, the fact is he is not emotionally available.
Before you decide to give your heart to a man you must make sure that he is emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually available to you.
You need to ask him how he feels about relationships, marriage, kids etc. What his five-year plan is. What he wants to do with his life.
You need to make it clear what you want out of life and from a partner.
Once you get past the flirting and the first date and you feel this could be a guy you may want to get to know better, it is imperative that the hard questions are asked, unless of course you just want simple fun! A man needs to know that he can afford to date you on every level before he feels he deserves to be your man. No matter how hot, sexy or amazing you are if he is not emotionally available then you will not get that man.
Sex only makes matters worse for you and no amount of sexual intimacy will help this man see you and make you his queen. It’s not his fault nor is it yours, he just isn’t ready and he will only ever be ready when he feels he can afford to be that guy on every level.
Men need to feel challenged in order to feel worthy of being with a Queen. If you don’t act like a Queen and demand a King, you will get a peasant. Now let’s talk about why you were in that position in the first place. If you didn’t have this need to be loved you wouldn’t have been in a position where you gave your heart away so willingly. Why would you want to give your heart away so easily to a person who shows you a bit of attention in comparison to all the dirt bags before him?
Do you love yourself enough to give yourself all you need emotionally so you don’t make rash decisions with your heart? Do you need someone else to tell you that you are beautiful before you feel it? Do you find yourself chasing the next guy because you need to feel loved? The woman I am writing this article for will say yes to all those points and will most likely hate herself or perceive herself to be “weak”. I am here to tell you that we have all been there, you are not alone and you are not weak or whatever else you tell yourself.
You are instead special, beautiful, amazing and perfectly perfect.
No one on this earth can make you feel those things but you. You need to ensure that you love yourself completely and understand what it means to love you before you can recognise this kind of amazing love from another. If you can’t love you on every level then how can you expect someone else to? They may love you on some level but it will never be the way they need to love you.
If you loved yourself you would have seen this type of emotionally unavailable man coming a mile away and you would never have gotten into anything deep with him in the first place. If you loved yourself you would be radiating on a higher frequency which would attract that kind of guy you want and the question you would have is whether the depth of his mind, heart and spirit is enough for you and not whether he is emotionally available. Learn to love yourself and realise you don’t need another person to make you feel all the things you sit and dream about. You can do this for yourself and date yourself.
You may need to be heartbroken a few times for this message to hit home depending on where you are on the self-love journey but that’s okay. Trust yourself and believe that you will come to a point where you truly love you and you will never give your heart away willingly.
You’re going to be fine and Mr Right will come along. But remember you attract what you are; so be love. I will write about how you love yourself in my next post so for now be kind to you, forgive you and love you.